Me And My Stepdad: The Game By Jamie Lake

"Once in every nighttime,someone comes around. "- "I'm coming to get you. "- No."There's someonethat makes sleeping difficult. ""Cassie. ""I'm coming. "Who's there?- "The Tickle Monster. "- No."That's right, Sylvester Stalloneis the Tickle Monster. ""I'm gonna tickle you. ""What?""I'm gonna tickle you. ""What?""I'm gonna tickle you!"Daddy, help.I'm here, Cassie.Unhand my daughter, Tickle Monster.Oh, hand - To - Hand.- Look, over there.- Go, Daddy, go."Oh, dear. "- Is she still up?- Yeah.Yeah, I just gave her a warm bath......and now she's more wide - Awakethan I am.She won't be so sharpfor her big meeting tomorrow.- Good night, sweetie.- Night, Mommy.Well, if I can get Carl to sleepin the next 10 minutes...- ... you might still have a shot tonight.- Use a mallet if you have to.- Daddy?- Yeah, baby?I'm never gonna get married.Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.Because I always want to live herewith you.Well, you know, one day,you're gonna grow up......meet a wonderful guy,and you're gonna get married.But you and Iwill always be best friends.Good night, Cassie.Dad, could you be any more of a dork?Cassie, you know where this girl livesor you just think you know?I know where,i just know one way to get there.- And you refuse to go that way.- Because it's a stupid way.- If you consider getting there stupid.- Why don't you use the navigation?Because Sacajawea back theredoesn't know the name of the street.She knows it as "the onenext to the one with the fountain. "Hey, Dad,cassie just gave you the finger.If we don't find this housein two minutes -- There it is.- Okay, honey......hurry up, go get your friend.- Jerk.- I heard that.Good.- Where are they?- She just left.Okay.Which friend is this, the nice one?You used to know all her friends.- You were funny and charming.- Well, she's 15.She doesn't want me to be charming.She finds it creepy.Oh, no.It's the too - Nice one.Hi, thanks for inviting me.Any friend of Cassie'sis always welcome.We're a little late.Remember, congratulate Toddon the Alpine soda merger......tell him the house looks great,work in his outfit.- Maybe he smells nice.- Lick his face?No, don't touch him.Don't shake his hand.- Oh, right, Mr. Stupid - Germ - Phobia.- Yeah.There they are, old Bob Bobcat.- Teabag.- Hi, Todd.Hi. Hi.Well, congratulations on Alpine soda.- Bob said you'd do it.- Yeah.God, Jamie, if my ex - Wifelooked as good as you......i'd still be in the middleof a horrible marriage.Thank you, Todd.What a lovely compliment.Oh, there's Laird.Laird.- So that's the young hotshot?- Yeah.Harvard M. B. A.We're planning to kill him.Do you want in?- Cassie.- There he is.Laird. You know what'd be great?You going to get me shrimp.I'm not joking.Cass, go say hi to Todd.- What for?- He likes you. I'll give you 20 bucks.Can I come?I read all about him online.Okay.Hi, Mr. Mallory.Good to see you again.- Oh, Cassie Munro.- Little Cassie?Wow, you turned into quitethe young lady.This is my friend, Gretchen.- Hi, Gretch.- Hi.Aren't you the one who gotPure Vibe sodas into the schools?That was me. Cassie's dad helped,he's head of Corporate Relations......but I am el presidente.Wow, so you're, like,personally responsible......for destroying the healthof millions of children.- Gretchen.- I probably wouldn't put it that way.Obesity, diabetes, cholesterol.The fat of our youth is on your hands.Wallow in it.Thank you, I had a very nice time.Keep it real.Don't.Yo, homeslice,can you chill on the def jam?You're boiling my vibe.Respect.Cass, can we talk?- God, what?- Nothing. My bad.Father evil. Forgot that.How you doing, are you all right?- No, not really.- Why don't you get that skin peel?Feels like that.Cassie was so abrasive -Oh, Bob just came in.Let me call you back. My sister.- Did you talk to Cassie?- Yeah, I tried.Still bleeding a little bit.She didn't know Gretchenwas gonna do that.She didn't know her friend was gonnathrow a vat of schmaltz on my boss.Wine or martini?- Both, with a Prozac back.- Okay.Remember when it used to be"Daddy's home"? Now nothing.We watch TVin four separate rooms......and we IM each otherwhen dinner's ready.Well, then let's change things.Let's start while we're in Hawaii.No laptop, no BlackBerry,no business calls.- Let's really go.- No what?You're not gonna see themfor the rest of the summer.- Carl's got camp -- Yeah.Cassie's got college prepin Palo Alto, I know.That's right, and they leavethe day after we get back.It'll be the same in Hawaii. They'llonly call us when they need money.Well, I'm glad we're going.And don't worry so much about work.Todd loves you.You're indispensable.I'm afraid not.I think Laird's gonna get my job.He's younger, smarter, cheaper.What did you say?Nothing.Here you go.To true love.- Hawaii's gonna be great.- Yeah.You gotta cancel Hawaii.- Why?- We hit a snag in the Alpine merger.- Since yesterday?- One brother got seller's remorse.- Garry.- Larry.Garry's still for it.Show him some money......he'll quack like a duck.Larry's nervous.If I tell my wife we're not goingto Hawaii, bury me ass - Up.You have a place to park your bike.- Bob.- Todd.Bob. Bob,this crisis has actually saved your job.- Really?- After yesterday......i figured I gotta fire youto maintain some respect around here.But in light of this Alpine thing...- ... i still need you.- Bless you, Todd.I gotta run out thereand make a presentation.I can write the presentation in Hawaiiand zap it to you.Laird can write me a presentation.If I tell him to, he'll live in the office.He'll showerin the water cooler.But you've got one thinghe hasn't got.- A soul.- No, you're good in a meeting.You've got the chutzpah.So I want youto write that presentation......and I need you at the meetingto put this thing over.- Yeah.- So no Hawaii.- No.- Boulder, Colorado, Friday.Just move your Hawaii dates.The kids are bookedthe rest of the summer.- You have to go to Boulder.- Agreed.I want you to know, after the divorce,i'm coming after Jamie hard.Bring jewelry.Hey, if you get Jamie,can I have Elaine?- You want Elaine?- Better than nothing.Trust me, it's not better.Elaine is still mad at mefor taking that vacation last year.Figures that's whyI didn't get that promotion.- Oh, the RV trip.- RV trip?Oh, the famous RV trip.Oh, can we see the pictures again?Wait a minute, wait a minute.Nobody move.Did you rent that RV?Mom, some idiot just parkedthis ugly RV outside our house.What?Oh, my God, it's your husband.- Oh, hi.- What is that?- It's an RV.- And why is it in front of our house?- We're taking it on vacation.- To Hawaii?- No, it doesn't float. Colorado.- What happened to Hawaii?Come on, Hawaii'sa winter destination. It's summer.The place I'm taking you is special,and not like Uncle Mike.It's Lake Nirvana,where I went with my parents as a kid.Is he being funny?Because I can never tell.Oh, come on.You've always wanted to camp, right?This is what he came up withto punish me for Gretchen.I was gonna surf.Nice one, Dad. Thanks.The hotel in Hawaiihas a weight room.Doesn't anybodyrespect my lifting schedule?We're not campers. We don't camp.- Why not?- Why -? Why not?- For one thing, we like to shower.- Well, it's got a shower.You and I will go out right nowand take a shower.Bob, do you know where you staywhen you take an RV trip?- Where?- RV camps.Honey, try to remember,we're not friendly.In Hawaii, we'll never see the kids.This way,we can spend time with them.You need to spend time with them.I spend nine hours a day with them.And I want Hawaii.All right, we'll go to Hawaii.At Christmas. Then it will just be usand a lot of Jewish people.- We'll have all the ham to ourselves.- I'll have to cook.No, you won't, because I'll cookevery night, every meal.We were gonna take naps.Hotel room, afternoon...- ... lock - The - Door naps.- Oh, the good naps.- How are we gonna do that in an RV?- I'll drive slowly.- I was gonna get a massage.- I'll give you a massage.You're gonna do all the cooking,give me massages.And spend time with the kids.You got it.Did you cancel our Hawaii tripbecause Todd told you to?Did you volunteer usfor some sort of experiment?The family travels around and drinksnothing but Pure Vibe soda......see if our teeth fall out?Honey, I'm running out of timewith my kids.Come on, baby. Why don't youcome out in the wilderness......with your big, brawny man?Don't make me callfor my mail - Order bride.Bob.Here's something your geniushusband probably overlooked.Four miles to the gallon?Gee, why don't we just stay homeand set fire to an oil field.There's an elegant touch.Or we could just travel aroundin clown suits.I spent the night with my headin the toilet. I'm sure it's contagious.All right, no more details.Just e - Mail me the new proposal.- That's my couch. Move.- Make me.- This seat's better, anyway.- Whatever.Welcome aboard, everybody.Before we embark......i think we should givethis beauty a name. Suggestions?The Big Turd.The Big Rolling Turd.In that spirit, we set forth.Make it so, Number One.Honey, are you sure know how to -?- Honey?- Trust me, okay?Thanks.Oh, my God.- Honey, honey.- What?- Oh, tree.- Yeah, it's all right.Honey?Honey. Honey.Oh, my God.- We're okay.- Honey.Honey, tree! Tree!Honey, honey.- Honey.- Okay.Anything else you want to hit?Do you want to go back?We missed the neighbor's cat.You are 31 hoursfrom your destination.- What's that?- RoadMate 700.- I call her "Lola. "- Make a right in 100 feet.Thank you, Lola.She's accurate to within 10 feet.- Go straight.- No, Lola says take a right.- Well, mall traffic. Go straight.- Fifty feet.- Yeah, but she said take a right.- Well, I'm telling you to go straight.Twenty feet.- Choose.- Baby, please.- Turn right.- Choose.- Dad!- Turn right.My bad.- You are 30 hours and 59 minutes -- Turn her off.- From your destination.Say, Dad, this is interesting."Unsecured itemsin an unlatched cabinet......are a recipe for disaster. "Didn't you read this?No, I was too busy thinkingof all the ways we're gonna have fun.Dad, somebody's stealing the RV.No, Carl. Nobody's stealing it......it's rolling backwardswith no one in it.Oh, yeah. Well, my bad.Yeah, well, yeah.- Thanks, Saul.- Irv.- Irv.- Not "Saul. "I don't know where I got Saul.Well, thanks.- Good news.- I'm adopted?Good one. No,thanks to my technically proficient......and charmingly amusing description,saul -- Irv.- Irv, yeah. Irv the dealer......said we damaged the parking - Gearinterlock and the emergency brake.We had that little mishap, you know,when Mom distracted me......we were pulling out of the driveway?But the driving brakes,the ones we use when we're moving......they're fine.They're not just fine, they're brilliant.All we have to dois every time we park......we have to put two big blocksunder the rear wheel.We'll be perfect. Thanks for the help.Okay, everybody, come on.It'll be fun, let's go.Miles and smiles.This is the worstI've ever been treated.- Wait till you get married.- Thank you.Everybody, let's get aboardthe Big Rolling Turd.That was easy.Now what do we do?Hey, I know, let's go to the beachand go surfing.Wait a minute, I forgot.We're not in Hawaii.We're where NASA fakedthe moon landing.Wait a minute.Wait till you see this.It's called a "pop - Out. "Hold on.Wow, where are you?- How cool is that?- Macarena cool.Hey.You guys want to see a movie?But where?Forgive my ignorance,but don't you need to hook up......the Big Rolling Turdto the electricity for that?Yes, I do.I gotta take a crap.Time to break in the pooper.You are so disgusting.Dad! The toilet's backed up!Carl, what did you eat?Dad, it's not mine.There's the problem,sewage tank is overflowing.And it's not even our sewage,it's leftover.It's not a national emergency.We'll go to whereyou dump the sewage......and we'll dump the dump.Come on, let's all go.As appealing as that sounds,I think I'm gonna pass. But thank you.And don't forget,you're making dinner.Sure, I'd love to cleansomebody else's crap out of the RV......instead of being in Hawaii.Can I come?Not only can you come,you can dump the sewage.- Really?- Yeah.It's gonna be a regularField of Dreams moment, buddy.Piece of cake.- Gonna be a while, mister?- Oh, well, that depends.If I can get this hose attachedto this outlet......i'll be right out of here.- What's the dealie?- Guy needs to attach a hose.Doing it.- What's up?- Trying to attach a hose.- Fella here's trying to hook up a hose.- Maybe get on the loudspeaker.That there's the wrong hose.It's that there one.- Yeah.- Yeah.- It's got the coupling.- Right.That one right there.- There you go.- Okay.You need another hose.Yeah, I guess, but...It's long enough, but:Gotta get one of thembayonet couplings.- He hasn't got one.- He's got a Y - Coupling right there.Yeah, that'll do the trick.Y - Coupling?A Y - Coupling.That's the Y. Oh, I see.- One potato.- Alrighty.Two potato.- Okay, wait, oh.- There we go.Listen,i'm no expert in waste management......but won't the fecal mattercome out the top hole there?No, you just gotta hold itup in the air like this:There you go. Little bit higher.There you go.- Oh, like that there.- There you go.You sure this is gonna work?Heck, yeah, man.It's basic hydraulics.Okay, Archimedes.Hey, Joe Joe.- Okay.- Let her rip.Turn it off!- That sure didn't work.- No.- We need a hose spreader.- Who's got one?Gornicke, I think. I'll get it.- I'll get some music.- Oh, no, please.And some of those tortilla chips.- We got some leftover sausages.- Bring them.No, you folks don't need to havea parade. I don't want to impose.Oh, no, no.We are gonna get thisfixed up for you, buddy.Sausages.- Right here, you want one?- Yeah.There we go. That'll work.You sure this will hold?Hey, man, why would they sell youa hose spreader......if you couldn't spread the hose?It's getting old. Come on.Open it up, Joe Joe.It's blocked. I'll flush the line.- Hey, Dad.- Son.Maybe now is the timeto confess to you that......your dad's not the masterof all things.I got that when you startedtaking advice from morons.Yeah. All we need is a banjo.Oh, man. He didn't even open it upall the way.- See? No worries.- Yup.- Hello.- Bob.Hey, Todd.Yeah, I'm still pretty sick.- Where's my presentation?- Presentation?It's the best work I've done,not to toot my own horn...- Yeah, you'll have it Thursday morning.- Thursday?No, that's not soon enough.Tomorrow will be great.Oh, I gotta go.Oh, dude, that is nasty.Don't worry, I'll get another hose.Fire in the hole!Here's where you made yourcritical mistake.You listened to anythingHowie and Joe Joe said.Nice boys, but they're a couple pliersshort of a tool chest.They're not the ones coveredin fecal matter.That's a good point.Travis Gornicke.Bob Munro.Yeah, let's postponethat handshake...- ... till we get you cleaned up.- Yeah.You're clean enough to useyour own shower, Bob.The vehicle's all cleaned up, Daddy.- Oh, nice work, son.- Thank you, boys.- You're welcome.- No problem, Mr. Munro.- Look, can I offer you a -- No, Bob, wouldn't think of it.- We're neighbors.- Mom wants to know -What happened to you?He was covered in turd.Oh, I know the feeling.Mom wants to know whenyou're cooking dinner.You tell your mother when I'm goodand ready, that's when.- I'll tell her.- Tell her I'm good and ready.Well, thanks.Hey,pleasure hosing you down, Bob.- Ditto.- Why can't they have dinner with us?You know, aside from the stink,i don't see why not.Why don't you come on over?Tuesday's meatloaf.Then afterwards, we can sit aroundand watch Ernest Goes to Jail.- It is funny.- Well, it's a classic.- Yeah, we'll make a whole night of it.- I wish I could.I promised my familyI'd make my special dish...- ... shish kebob.- Oh, that's good.- Well, another time, then.- Yeah, try to keep me away.Okay.Carl!- Honey, how's it going?- Great, baby.Okay, well, how long?Because we're starving.Four hours.Maybe longer if you keep asking.- What?- It's a small oven......and I'm having to do the potatoeswith a hair dryer set on "high. "Hey, who wants to go to a party?- Here we are. Hope we're not late.- No!- Well, Bob said we were invited.- Yeah.- Of course you were.- Then here we are.- We're hungry.- All right!- Mary Jo, our company's here.- What company?The ones that are close enoughto hear you yelling, darling.- Well, hi.- Hi.Honey, help me.- I've got you here, darling.- Here you go.Let's see. Earl and Billy you met.- Hi, I'm Earl.- And I'm not.My wife, Mary Jo,and my daughter, Moon.Hey, y'all.Well, Moon, that's kind of a hippiename, like Moon' Rainbow' Bong.She was named after Warren Moon.He was quarterback of theHouston Oilers.Well, this is my wife, Jamie.Cassie, my daughter.My son, Carl.Named after Karl Marx......socialist, some would saythe father of modern communism.As I'm throwing up with the bloodpouring out of my eyes, you know......i looked up and I said,"who is that lovely...?"Next day, we were marriedin Jurez.Nine months later... out popped Earl.So you got a boyfriend?- Yeah, actually, I'm engaged.- Unlikely.So where are you guys from?Where do you hang your hat,as it were.- Behind the wheel of that bus.- Really?- Full - Timer, U. S. A.- Really?Well, how do Moon, Earl and not Earlgo to school?Home school.I hope you don't findthis next question too personal...- ... but how do you...?- Make a living? Various ways.Let's see. We made $25,000 whenwe turned in Mary Jo's stepdad.In prisonhe's getting help he needs.Oh, and I almost forgot,mary Jo makes a living.I mean, she earns $60,000 a yearwithout ever leaving that bus.Really? Hooking?- Funny.- I'm a mobile sales rep for Happy Max.Y'all seen the infomercialsfor our musical car horns?- No, I don't think we have.- No.Billy White Shoes,blow that horn.- Watch this.- Wait for it.I love it every time.Wow, that's fantastic. That was...Jamie, are youa stay - At - Home mom?- Yes.- When there's not a sale.Let me hook you up with Happy Max.I got a rep bag in the bus.Plus, I representLovely Lily Beauty Products.- Mary Jo's a trained cosmetologist.- If you're still here tomorrow......i'm going to give you a complete,free total makeover.A $39 package absolutely free.- Oh, that would be good, honey.- No.You know what, I'm gonna work on youthe whole day tomorrow.- There you go, little lady.- Oh, I'm sorry, I don't eat meat.I heard you talking.That's why I brought you this here.- There ain't no meat in it.- Oh, no meat?You here that? No meat.Thank you. That's lovely.That's right. It's all organs.Deer organs. They're fresh too.I run him over this morning.The rest of it's curing in the bedroom.But the stomach, brains and pancreas,we just toss that into the stew......because in this heat,it doesn't keep.- Bathroom.- Little lady...- There's my girl.- Dad, can we please go?Yes. You know,thank you so much for the invitation.This has been great. A lot of fun.Dad, listen.This is kind of our family theme song.Kids, come on. Get up there, go, go.Hurry up, get the - You know.Oh, they're gonna love this.Little Mommy's got a wholesong - And - Dance thing worked out.- Oh, that's wonderful.- Come on, Moon, come on.- Here I go. Thank you, darling.- Thank you.- Oh, yeah.- Line up the way we practiced.I never grow tired of that song.Last time I heard it I was buck - Naked...- ... in a field with a road flare.- Dad.Yes. Big travel day tomorrow.- Where y'all headed?- Away.Mount Watson in Colorado.- Just fantastic to have met you both.- Same here.- Hope we see you again.- How about breakfast tomorrow?- Bagels and deer testicles?- Oh, yeah, she's funny, just like you.We'd have breakfast,but we're early risers.- Well, us too. Six a. M. Work for you?- We'll be long gone by then.Yeah, trust us.Bob? Bob?- Let's go, let's go. Bob?- Yeah, baby.- Oh, friendly folks.- Yeah, they're nice people.- Hi, Mr. Munro.- Hi, Billy. I'm just -- You sure got a nice one.- What?That's a nice laptop.Oh, thanks. What are you doing up?I have a sleep disorder.I haven't slept since I was 5.So you just wander aroundthe campground.Yeah, I don't really mind.It's the only time I have alone.Well, see you.Oh, okay.- Morning.- Good morning, Mr. Munro.- Come on. Come on, let's go.- It's 5:30.The Gornicke